How to Talk to Your Boss

Hoist, Meet Petard

Working part-time as a behavioral technician, providing community involvement services to an adult autist, is a rewarding little side hustle. My employer runs a laudable, much needed company whose management style is frequently, ah, chaotic. Last Monday, we were informed by HR that payday wouldn’t be on the assigned date, and in fact, we were not paid for another 48 hours following this notification, which was delivered in a typically oleaginous, condescending tone from founder-operator Dr. ______.

Missing payday, of course, is both a violation of California Labor code and an annoying as hell SNAFU. So, yeah, I already wasn’t happy but what really got up my nose was the Good Doctor’s use of a fruity, quasi-cursive font which was also italicized. Around 3 p.m. I sent this reply:

JW: Can we do this without the italics next time? Creepy...

At 9:41 p.m., I received the Good Doctor’s personal reply. The ensuing exchange, which lasted almost an hour (and, anticipating a glorious scrum, on which I copied my supervisor, HR and another big cheese in the organization), follows:

Mr. Whiteside, Thank you for your input. Italics are utilized when an email is sent from another person’s email to let the reader know that the original author is not the sender; if you’re unaware.

This is the reason why Ms. ______ sent the letter out with italics. We run an extremely serious organization and have no intentions to make any communications aversive to the reader.

Since we have not met, I look forward to looking into your work with our clients.

Dr. _____ ________

My reply (kindly note form of address):

Mr. ________, How nice to receive a personal reply so long after close of business hours. Please do reach out to my client's parents at your earliest convenience—I have formed a close therapeutic alliance with their son and believe I provide a valuable service to this family. Also, as an author and professional journalist of many decades, I must add that I have never come across that style usage of italics, but I am, admittedly, not too well versed in the intricacies of bureaucratese communication. I must also point out that your closing line does sound like a rather thinly veiled, passive-aggressive threat, which I do not at all appreciate. Please feel free to clear the air on this last point, if you can spare a moment. Warmly, JW

Dr.: Actually, I just thought it to be rude. If you didn’t pick up on the fact that I was unhappy with your response the first time and found it disrespectful. Now I’m being straightforward about it.

I’m trying to communicate important information. I don’t need silly responses from people.

Is this an understood communication Jonny.

(Also, no, despite appearances, this isn’t an ESL situation. Anyway, as Philip Marlowe would say, “There was nothing in that for me, so I let it go.”)

Cue French-accented Sponge Bob narrator “Two minutes later….,” we get

Oh, you know I kind of missed the part where you indicated that I was being passive aggressive you’ll never find that in me. I’m always very very straightforward.

JW: Likewise, I'm sure. In the future, let's all be straightforward about such matters, shall we?

Dr.: Hey do you realize you’re talking to your boss? Are you this rude of a person? I guess I’ll have to see you at the office.

JW: Another threat? And my pointing that out is rude? I'd appreciate an apology, sir.

Dr.: I’ll have the office make an appointment with you tomorrow. Since you’ve chosen to engage aggressively with me, we’ll have to discuss this further. The only reason why I responded to the original email at this hour was I thought you had a question about your payroll and I wanted to be able to answer it for you

We will speak again.

JW: Fatuous CYA revisionism. Schedule a Zoom.

End of conversation. At 5:41 am the next morning, the Good Doctor, presumably fresh from a restful night of tossing and turning wrongful termination scenarios over in his hot little head sent this—a sweeter kiss off than I could’ve ever hoped for:

Mr. Whiteside, I’m not going to argue. If you don’t see a reason to be polite then that’s your way. I don’t see a reason to further communicate about the topic. I try my best to make sure our families get help and all staff get paid. That was my communication. No further discussion needed. We are all stressed enough.

Despite having raised stratospheric ire and spittle flecked fury, there’s been no meeting, action memo, fractious Zoom or anything of the sort—I’d joyously and deliberately rubbed his honkin’ snoot in the soupy black mud of hard-earned opprobrium. I do not suffer fools or authority figures lightly, and this was the most fun I’d had in donkey’s years.

Nota bene: Anyone in this situation can and must file a simple two-page wage claim form with the Labor Commissioner and get a sweet $100 recompense levied as a disciplinary ding to your dumbo boss.

Post-script: Have loved Robert Benchley’s essays and shorts (e.g. “How to Sleep”) since a tweenager; to me, he was a bona fide, closely studied role model and I could not resist this chance to use both that influence in conference with Dr. “Don’t you know I’m your boss” and to pass this off as an askew, albeit tangential homage to my old mentor. Of course, I am rather a bit more savage than he. Thank you for reading, and best of luck with your boss.